Change

7:15 PM

I sat in my closet and cried today; full on belly shaking sobs! It was different than the faucet of tears that slowly leaked out of my eyes while sitting on an over-heated plane during a delayed flight last weekend. I guess crying like that is normal when you are pregnant. Anyway that is what I've heard. I never experienced it like this in my previous pregnancies. It kind of makes me want to not go out at all. I feel like I have tissue-paper skin and the smallest thing could set me off. The challenges of pregnancy at this time in my life have felt so over-whelming at times.

I've chalked it up to having a huge placenta. That "baby" (which is growing my real baby) can secrete a lot of hormones or at least that is what I have read. And since the doctor has told me it's located in the wrong spot in my uterus, it must be over-compensating. At least that is the vibe I get from it when I talk to it, which I do a lot. Yeah! That's another thing I've been doing recently. I have been talking to my placenta; willing it to crawl up the side of my uterus where it's supposed to be. Some people talk to their unborn child and I talked to my placenta. And so maybe it's working so hard to get into place that it's just sweating out those crying hormones like crazy, which is making me feel a little cray-cray.

While I sat there in my closet, full on belly-shaking, sobbing tears, and staring at my umbilical hernia which seemed to be popping out further which each sob and shake, I heard her voice. My mama's voice. I had to quiet myself down to hear it again more clearly this time. It was definitely her voice in my head and the words that she would choose. "This too will pass. You are going to be just fine. You're stronger than you realize. I'm here with you! You are not alone. Go drink some water and lay down. You'll feel better when you wake." And then she was gone. Of course I started to cry again but this time they were quiet and grateful tears. I went from feeling self-pity and desperation to feeling loved and peaceful. I was grateful for that experience and that my mama was able to communicate to me those thoughts. She wouldn't have been able to had she still been living. Her mind and body had been slowly fighting off the effects of post-polio for years and I had yearned in her later years to feel nurtured by her. I never thought I would again and then today happened and I did and it was so unexpected and appreciated.

I did feel better when I awoke and more at peace, despite the physical challenges I am facing in this pregnancy which seem to intensify daily. I am grateful to have this opportunity to be a mother again and to know that this gift knows no bounds. It's so comforting to know a mother's love can over-come the boundaries of death and time. I never expected that this pregnancy would help me feel closer to my deceased mother or bring me comfort while still mourning her recent passing. However, I am so grateful that it has!

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